To Overcome Codependency, Start with Your Trauma
By Claire Moacdieh
Do you struggle with the ability to say “no?” Do you feel like you need to do everything in your power to make sure that the people around you are happy? Maybe you have a hard time identifying your boundaries and feel like you get pushed around. Maybe you have learned to believe that your own needs are less important than other people’s.
Any of these traits can be symptoms of codependency, which is one potential long-lasting behavior that you might experience as a result of trauma. Codependency is defined as a one-sided relationship where one person gives and the other takes. While you might associate codependency with romantic relationships, it can actually happen in any close relationship, like family or friends. The “giver” in this relationship is the person who bends over backwards to provide care for the other, and the “taker” is the one who enables this. These roles aren’t always static — they can switch in different situations. This dynamic can be potentially harmful when your own needs are not being met, and it can hurt your emotional connection to the other person as well as your other relationships.
Codependency often comes from trauma experienced in childhood. When a certain behavior happens over long periods of time, it can feel impossible to break free.
But all hope is not lost: it is possible to overcome codependency, reclaim your life from trauma, and become more empowered.In this article, you can find ways to learn how trauma and codependency are connected, and how you can take steps to improve your quality of life.
Is codependency a problem?
Codependency is a complex set of behaviors, and can feel like a gray area.
It is often described as being addicted to a person. When someone experiences addiction, the chemicals in their body are rearranged to make them believe that they cannot live without the person or thing that they are addicted to. Being addicted to a person could mean different things for different people. It could mean that you feel responsible for their mental health. It could mean that you feel like you cannot be alone or without them. It could also mean that you feel like you need to give yourself up for their needs in order to make them happy.
On the surface, caring for others and demonstrating kindness are not bad qualities. However, in codependent relationships, the person who is the “taker” can take advantage of the “giver’s” kindness. Problems can arise when these takers never feel satisfied. If you feel like you have to constantly walk on eggshells to make someone happy, you might be sacrificing your own needs for their sake.
These experiences can be especially harmful when they feel comfortable. If you have grown used to a codependent situation, it can be difficult to break away when that is what your brain says is comfortable.
Codependency is a very real struggle for many people, but it does come with some controversy. Specifically, it is not officially recognized in the DSM, which means that mental health professionals do not use it as a diagnosis. Codependent behaviors are also natural adaptations to traumatic life situations, so using this label can add to a survivor’s shame and stigma. With these caveats, codependency can still be a valuable concept to help you recognize patterns of harmful learned behavior.
How are trauma and codependency related?
If you experience codependent behavior in adulthood, it may be a result from an unhappy childhood home.
There are many ways for a person to experience trauma. Trauma is any incident or life situation that causes significant emotional and physical harm to a person. Trauma happening in the family growing up can lead to someone not having a foundation of healthy relationships to rely on in their adult life.
One possible codependent behavior that may form as a result of childhood trauma is trauma-bonding. Trauma-bonding is something that can form in abusive relationships, where the person who is being abused feels connected to their abuser. If someone is trauma-bonded to their abuser, they might struggle to leave the harm that is happening to them. They might ignore the red flags that the abuser is showing, pull away from their support networks, or even make excuses for their abuser’s actions. Trauma-bonding can be linked with codependency because it can cause a person to go above and beyond for their abuser, causing more harm to themself.
How can I overcome problems related to codependency?
When trauma is so deeply rooted, it can feel like a tangled knot. You might be feeling some of its effects or behaving in certain ways without even realizing that trauma is the root of these actions. No matter how deep your trauma goes, there is always a brighter future. Overcoming codependency can be challenging, but can ultimately lead to forming healthy and happy relationships.
Here is a list of ways to overcome codependency:
1. Finding the right counseling
Different types of therapy can help you understand your trauma and work to develop healthy tools for coping with codependent tendencies. Therapy can create a safe space for you to talk about your struggles honestly and without judgment.
There are two types of therapy that might be helpful. Trauma-specialized therapists are those who are trained specifically to help support you through your trauma, and can help you understand how your trauma affects your behaviors. This can help you untangle codependent actions from relationships. The other type of therapy is joint therapy with the other person or people in the codependent relationship. This only works if everyone is committed to change, but can be a good way to open the doors of communication and establish tools to overcome codependent behavior.
2. Focusing on yourself
Working on yourself can be incredibly challenging, especially if you find that your harmful behavior is comfortable. Breaking out of these patterns takes dedicated work, but the reward can be great.
One way to focus on yourself is to understand your boundaries and learn ways to advocate for yourself. Boundaries are helpful tools that can help you identify your own needs. There will be people who push your boundaries, but having a strong understanding of them can help you become more resistant to codependent tendencies.
You can also focus on activities that will benefit your overall well-being. Things like mindfulness activities, yoga, or pursuing your favorite hobbies can help you reconnect with yourself and help you find the things that you want to do. A sign of healing from codependency is having the ability to do the things you enjoy without needing approval from others.
Lastly, remind yourself that you cannot control the actions, thoughts, or feelings of others. The only person you can control is yourself, and how you think and feel about a situation. The situation you are in does not define you.
3. You are worthy of love
Remember that no matter what, you are as worthy of love and care as everyone else.
One way to practice self-love is to remind yourself of your good qualities. Find things about your body and your personality that you love. You can put these on post-its and stick them to your mirror, or repeat them to yourself.
Find support in overcoming trauma and codependency at &Rise
&Rise is here to help you as you start your journey to overcoming codependency. Working on yourself can be scary and challenging, but you are not alone.
Our community is full of women who are un-learning their trauma patterns to heal and become their ultimate selves. Consider joining one of our peer support groups to talk about ways to set boundaries or find community with other people who experience similar things as you.
If you want to stay up to date with our events and other trauma resources, you can subscribe to our newsletter.
