Trauma-Bonded vs. Healthy Relationships

May 30

Written By Andraya Thomson

Trauma-Bonded vs. Healthy Relationships

What is a Trauma-Bond?

A trauma bond can happen in any exploitive or abusive relationship, leading to a variety of psychological and physical conditions[3,10], and is a relationship dynamic where an attachment develops (through brain and nervous system associations that occur) from intermittent abusive hostile behavior combined with behavior that mimics being loved and rescued.[6,2]

Common Characteristics of a Trauma-Bonded Relationship

Intense & Fast Moving ~ Instant attraction, irresistible chemistry (often coinciding with physical/sexual abuse) where the victim is highly captivated by the abuser[9].
Confusing Extremes ~ Alternating relationship cycles with extreme lows from abuse and extreme highs from positive experiences [1,4], fluctuate in what feels like a frequent unpredictable roller coaster of emotions[2,9]. While victims may have some awareness of the relationship toxicity, they mainly feel powerless and confused[9], a loss of self-identity from internalizing the abuser’s point of view[2], and often feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior[3]. The abuser may have narcissistic traits.
Predatory Abusive Behavior ~ The abuser uses gaslighting, victim-conditioning, suggestions that only this relationship can provide a sense of security, guilt-tripping, criticisms, reprimands, name-calling, threats, coercion, manipulation tactics, hostile behavior, and bouts of sudden “love bombing” to prove they have good intentions, give false-hope to the victim, and create a dramatic power imbalance, dependency, and illusion of trust.[2,3,5,7,9,10]
Victim Conditioning & Responses ~ Victim(s) remain trapped in a fantasy, frequently letting down their guard, over-apologizing for things that aren’t their fault, making excuses for and justifying negative behavior[2], and forgiving consistently without protest.[4] The victim often plays multiple roles for the abuser, and will do just about anything to avoid conflict with the abuser.[9] Victim(s) commonly have a history of abuse\trauma, mental health issues, low self-esteem, isolation [4], people-pleasing and being too forgiving.[7]
Feeling Powerless to an Addiction ~ Trauma-bonded relationships can feel like an addiction that one is powerless to quit[1], and result in the feeling that escape is impossible[8]; further exacerbated by both the perpetrator and victim reinforcing the abusive cycle by going to extremes to win-back favor of the other.[3]

What is a Healthy-Bond?

A healthy bond is a relationship dynamic that starts with curiosity and mutual respect, building over time in a gradual progression; where choice, honor, accountability, and responsibility for one’s actions is important.[1,5]

Research-Backed Ways to Break the Cycle of Trauma-Bonding

Educate ~ Familiarize oneself with trauma-bonding and healthy relationships[2,7]
Safety Planning & Ending the Relationship ~ Utilize Safety Planning. Put the victim(s) safety first. Once there is a safety plan in place, carefully cut-off contact (with a cautious understanding of the fact that the act of leaving is statistically the most dangerous time for victims of abusive relationships).[2,3,8]
Building a Support System & Healthy Relationships ~ Gain access to a support system for the victim(s) as quickly as possible, making space for healthy relationships.[2,3,7] There is promising research and data on the benefits of receiving trauma-informed care from professionals familiar with the complexities of trauma-responses[5], and trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).[3]
Make Evidence-Based Decisions ~ Decide based on present-time evidence.[5,8]
Create & Adhere to Healthy Boundaries ~ Utilize a support system for developing healthy boundaries, write them down for accountability, and adhere to them.[2]
Practice Good Self-Care & Self-Compassion ~ Give oneself permission to heal, make future-plans, practice good self-care, and self-compassion (not self-criticism).[2,5,7]