How To Cope When Mother’s Day is Hard
By Kelsey Hoff
For many people, Mother’s Day brings up a complicated mix of feelings about the real and imperfect relationships they have with the women who raised them. If you don’t feel like your life measures up to certain ideals, or if you’re grieving or dealing with infertility, Mother’s Day can be very difficult. If you’re dealing with some tough feelings this year, know that you’re not alone.
It’s true that in our society, women and mothers bear most of the responsibility for domestic life, including caring for children. In this sense, there is much to be celebrated. However, in real life, each person’s experience is very different. Some people grow up without their mothers or lose them at a young age. Some mothers are abusive, critical, or just not supportive. Some mothers and daughters are estranged for different reasons. Some women never get to be mothers. Miscarriages and infertility are more common than you might think. These situations can all be painful in their own way.
If you are a mother, dealing with overwhelm, burnout, and a lack of appreciation can make Mother’s day difficult. It may seem like you have to choose between your family and your mental health. Co-parenting with a difficult partner or losing custody of your kids causes a different kind of grief. The expectations of creating a perfect day for everyone else while your own needs go unaddressed can leave you feeling empty, even on a day meant to honor you.
To all of the women who are struggling with Mother’s Day, we see you. It’s not selfish to put your emotional well-being and mental health first. Taking the time to care for yourself on Mother’s Day may actually help you be more present to nurture those connections the rest of the time. Keep reading for some ideas on how to cope when Mother's Day is hard.
Take the pressure off
Much of the heartache and stress around Mother’s Day is a product of unmet expectations. This might look like “going through the motions” and keep up the appearance of a happy mother-daughter relationship. It might also mean wallowing in disappointment or feeling guilty about not playing your role the way you think you should. Setting your expectations aside is only the first step toward taking the pressure off. The second step is accepting the reality of your relationships and your feelings about them.
If you’re dreading your usual Mother’s Day plans, or if you just want to spend the day alone, ask for what you need. Sacrificing your emotional well-being probably won’t help you help you keep the peace with your family — it’s more likely to build resentment. Tell your family how you’re feeling and ask them to respect your wishes.
It might help to “sandwich” the request between two positive and loving statements. For example, “I’m grateful that you want to include me in Mother’s day plans/do something special for me. I’m having a rough time right now, and I could use the day to rest. I love you, thank you so much for understanding,”
Focus on self-care and boundaries
Self-care isn’t about escaping your most intense feelings, but acknowledging and regulating them. Find activities that make it safe to do so. You might do some journaling, go for a long walk, listen to music, or attend a support group. You may not completely resolve your feelings all at once. However, you can start to process them and explore different things you can tell yourself when those feelings come up. The goal isn’t toxic positivity or forced gratitude, but balance. Try to see both the positives and the negatives of your situation. Ask yourself, “What else is true?”
While you’re reflecting, take note of any guilt, blame, shame and “shoulds.” Recognize that these may be coming from parts of yourself that feel hurt or want to protect you from more pain. See what it feels like to sit with that part of yourself and tell her, “I see you. We’re going to be OK.”
If you feel that there’s a void in your life around Mother’s Day, it might be a good opportunity to create a new tradition. Light a candle and remember mother figures you’ve looked up to. Visit a nature preserve and connect with mother Earth. Make a favorite family recipe. Do whatever brings you peace.
Plan for emotional triggers
In the weeks and days before Mother’s Day, there will be ads for last-minute Mother’s Day gifts and sentimental social media posts making the rounds. There may also be personal triggers such as family photos or messages from your mom. You probably won’t be able to completely avoid these things. Try to minimize your stress by planning ahead. Set some boundaries and plan out what you can do to manage your feelings when you’re triggered.
If social media tends to be a trigger for you, either take a break from it or curate and filter your social media feeds or phone settings. If you want to totally unplug from your phone, that’s understandable. Just let people know in advance so they’ll know you’re OK.
Talk with someone who understands — find healing and community with &Rise
If you’re feeling alone, know that you’re not the only woman dealing with hard feelings on Mother’s Day. Connecting with women who get you can help you navigate your healing process. If you’ve got a friend or two who understand your situation, see if you can set aside some time to chat. If not, you’re welcome to join us and find your community at &Rise.
We host workshops and support groups year-round to help women trauma survivors find healing and personal growth. We also host events specific to Mother’s Day around this time. In the past, we’ve done workshops on The Wounded Mother, reiki and sound bath events, guided journaling, and more.
Are you looking to connect with other women who are on their own healing journeys? Check out one of our virtual or in-person events. Subscribe to the &Rise newsletter to find out about events coming up for Mother’s Day. You can also check out our support groups or our Events Page.
