Your Boundaries Are Sacred: Recognizing and Naming Sexual Assault
By Lana Nycole
Let’s get something clear right off the bat:
When someone doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries,
or really any boundaries,
we have a word for that.
It’s not confusion, passion, or just “bad behavior.”
It’s called abuse.
It’s also important to recognize that a little boundary-pushing early on can lead to someone who becomes comfortable disrespecting or even abusing you.
In this article, I’ll talk about how to recognize sexual assault and set effective sexual boundaries to keep yourself safe.
Myths Keep Victims Silent — Let’s Break Them
There are a lot of myths floating around that make it harder for us to recognize sexual assault when it happens. The truth is: the world is quick to defend abusers and slow to protect survivors. That's why we have to know the truth for ourselves and stand in it, even against a society that will try to gaslight you.
Here are a few myths we’re throwing in the trash:
"They were just caught up in the moment."
➔ Assault is never about passion. It's about disrespect, entitlement, and power."Look at what she was wearing—she wanted attention."
➔ Clothes do not ask for anything. Only a clear yes means yes."You can't be assaulted by someone you love or are dating."
➔ You always have the right to say no—no matter the relationship, no matter the history."If you didn’t fight back, it wasn’t really assault."
➔ Freezing, fawning, and shutting down are trauma responses. They don't make what happened any less real.
For a deeper dive into these myths, check out our article on Sexual Assault Myths.
Let the truth anchor you—because lies only protect abusers, not survivors.
What Counts as Sexual Assault?
Sexual assault isn’t just a single moment or a single act. It’s any sexual contact, behavior, or exposure without your full, enthusiastic, and ongoing consent. Abusers may not always recognize that what they're doing is wrong or hurtful, so it's your job to let them know.
**That can look like:
Forced or pressured sex, including by threats, guilt-tripping, or manipulation
Groping, touching, or grabbing without permission
Exposing you to sexual acts, images, or conversations you didn’t agree to
Recording or sharing intimate images of you without your consent
Being pressured into sexual activity you don’t want or aren't ready for
Pushing your head down or physically trying to move your body into sexual acts
Continuing sexual activity after you've said "no," moved away, or gone still
Sexual comments, jokes, or innuendos that feel violating—especially if you’ve asked them to stop
Pressuring you for sex when you're drunk, high, asleep, or otherwise unable to fully say yes
"Accidentally" brushing your body inappropriately—especially repeatedly
Disregarding previous limits you set ("I said I don’t want to do that")
** All definitions and examples by the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. Check out their website for more info, tips, and consulting.
Some of these things are loud and violent. Some of them are quiet, subtle, and confusing—and that’s exactly why they’re so dangerous. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to decide when something has crossed a line.
If it feels wrong, if it makes you shrink, if it crosses your comfort—it counts. Pay attention to feelings of panic, guilt, and disgust in your body. Those are important signs that something isn’t right, and you should trust your instincts. A lot of the time our bodies know that we’re in danger before our minds can process what’s happening. Trauma can be stored in the body for long periods of time, which is why physical healing practices like somatic experiencing are effective.
Setting Sexual Boundaries (and Keeping Them)
If you’ve never been taught how to set sexual boundaries, or told that you’re allowed to have them, you’re not alone. In general, girls are socialized to put other people’s needs and desires before their own—and there’s a pervasive belief that “boys will be boys.” It takes time for these cultural norms to change, but it is possible. When it comes to your life and your experiences, you get to decide what you allow and what’s not OK.
You are allowed to start setting sexual boundaries now. Today.
Here’s how:
Check in with yourself first. What feels good? What feels uncomfortable? Honor your answers.
Speak it out loud. "I'm not comfortable with that" is a full sentence.
Say no when you mean no. You don't need to explain, justify, or debate your "no."
If someone pushes, that's your answer. People who care about you will respect your boundaries the first time.
Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it is wrong.
Remember: your boundaries are not up for negotiation. Ever.
You are not "too sensitive," "too uptight," or "making a big deal." You are protecting your peace, your body, your spirit—and that’s sacred work.
Need Support? You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If setting (and keeping) boundaries feels hard, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because many of us were never taught how.
That’s why we created the Virtual Boundaries Support Group—a space just for you.
Every Thursday | 7:00 PM–8:30 PM CST | Virtual (join from anywhere)
What you’ll find inside:
A judgment-free community that gets it
Real conversations about boundaries and healing
Practical strategies you can actually use
Permission to take up space and prioritize your needs
Boundaries aren’t selfish, they’re self-respect in motion. And you deserve that, every single day.
